Sex and Doc Brizzley's Advice for Young Men
Sex. The most important thing for a young man to understand is the phenomenon known as Hormonal Hyperdrive, more easily written as H2. H2 usually begins in young men in adolescence and lasts, until age 35 or more. H2 is characterized by a mental tremor, where the mind vibrates between the real world and sex. This vibration generally occurs at a rate of about ten cycles per minute. Thus, every six seconds or so, a young man thinks of sex. Now, that thought about sex that a young man will probably have every ten seconds is not an instantaneous sort of thing, flicking on and then off again. No. The average young man, when he thinks about sex, requires four to ten seconds to return his attention to the real world.
Sex. H2 can make it very difficult for young men to pay attention to anything other than sex. That is why I start each paragraph with the word sex, to make it easier for young men to read. Few advice writers are willing to adapt their style to the needs of young men, which is unfortunate, because those who are afflicted with H2 certainly need advice, even if H2 keeps them from following most of it.
Sex. Young men should not be ashamed of their affliction. H2 happens to most males of the mammalian species. The difference between H2 in human males and males of other species is that the affliction occurs seasonally in other species, giving the males time to concentrate on other things, like eating and sleeping. Of course, devoting one's time entirely to eating and sleeping is hardly the young man's idea as to what might feel better than always thinking about sex; young men need games, too. Spending one's time eating, sleeping, hunting, fishing, and playing games which use a ball still doesn't completely fulfill a young man's desires for an ideal lifestyle. For an ideal lifestyle one needs to have females (of reproductive age) in one's environment.
Sex. Young men should try to do a few things to keep their affliction from making them undesirable in the eyes of women. Although women cannot cure the affliction, can at least help make it more interesting.
Sex. Young men should consider always wearing mirrored sunglasses. That way, it won't be so obvious that they are trying to peek down the front of every woman's shirt. The fascination with breasts that is exhibited by most young men is generally unavoidable in this culture, being implanted in the psyche before one has sufficient maturity to withstand such cultural norms. Just because almost everyone has the same problem, though, doesn't mean that it makes any sense to flaunt it. Most of us have runny noses occasionally, but that doesn't mean we don't need to use a handkerchief.
Sex. Young men should try to perform many great feats of daring and danger. Then, when they break a leg, some woman might take pity on them and help them forget the pain. One should try to avoid choosing trite injuries. Snakebite, for instance, is used way beyond what is reasonable. We all enjoy picking up a poisonous snake and taking it home to show to the women and children, but to let it bite you in the process is overworked. The point, though, is that young women like to take care of wounded men.
Sex. Young men should avoid excessive use of alcoholic beverages. It is very difficult to build any kind of pleasant relationship with a woman after you have barfed in her lap. It is always amazing that while most young men hate making fools of themselves, they still drink alcohol. Honestly, have you ever seen a clever, witty, charming drunk? Or even one that was half-drunk? Only on TV.
Sex. Hormonal Hyperdrive can be a very dangerous condition. Boys should try to establish habits that will help them get through a period of H2 when it hits, as it almost certainly will. It is never too late to start developing good habits. This publication has been promised a new series of columns, "Overcoming Bad Habits," written by a notorious procrastinator whom we all know. If any of them are ever written, I am certain that they will be of help to young men.
Sex. What young men really want to know is how to attract women. Following a few simple rules will greatly increase the young male's opportunities for practicing the art of attracting women. In the next few columns, I will address some aspects of this vital issue in young men's lives.Return to Farm News First Page